i’m probably going to lose followers for this.  some people can’t face harsh realities or honesty.  but this is my blog, my place of outlet.

i simply cannot come to terms with losing a friend to anorexia. i can’t bear the guilt, the hurt, the anger.  i couldn’t bear seeing 4 grown men carry her coffin. one stone for each man.  the guilt of looking in the mirror and wishing i could lose a couple of pounds, when she weighed half of what i did. the guilt of not helping her when she called me and told me she was finding life difficult.  believing her when she said she lost weight from pneumonia.  anger at myself for not challenging her more when she promised me she ate 3 meals a day. responsible because i was the one who was supposed to look after her and make sure she was okay. and i knew she wasn’t.  ‘skeletal’.  that was the only way i could describe her.

why did alarm bells not go off when you stopped turning up to everything? or when you were so hard to wake up? i’m so angry at myself for not doing more.  but i’m even more angry that you were surrounded by medical professionals every day and no one intervened.  you were so supportive of everyone, but who the hell supported you?

i hadn’t seen you in 6 months.  you were avoiding me because you knew i wanted to talk to you about your illness, and you couldn’t admit to anyone that there was anything wrong.  you told your family that i was there for you.  and that’s heartbreaking, because i was hardly there at all.  but you had no one else.  i knew you needed a friend, and i still didn’t reach out to you like i should have done.  i told you i would get you help after you phoned me.  and i didn’t.  i didn’t check up on you. i didn’t know what to do.  and the next time i heard anything about you, you were gone.

i feel so sick when i try and eat anything.  yet i feel like i owe it to you to clear my whole plate.  i don’t think i’ll ever use the word ‘starving’ again, now that i’ve been reminded of the meaning.  i see your face everywhere, and i can’t sleep because i feel like you’re there.  it makes me so angry when i’m trying to make a hard decision and people say “what would Katie want you to do?”, because i don’t have a clue.  i didn’t know katie.  i never knew katie.  you weren’t katie when i knew you, because you’d gone. you’d been consumed by something too dark to reach.  i keep looking through your old photos and wishing i’d seen you smile like that.  i wish i’d known the katie that people talked about at your funeral- fun-loving, care-free.  the katie who wasn’t subject to torture for 5 years of her life.

i refuse to lose someone else to anorexia.  i refuse to let any of you lose someone to anorexia.  i could say ‘she’s in a better place now’, or ‘now she can finally rest’, but it gives me no comfort.  i know you didn’t want to be helped.  but i know you didn’t want this either.  i wish you were still here.